Hard Limit: Sour Apples

 I will no longer accept any more Sour Apples in my life. This is my Hard Limit for the rest of my life. Sour Apples are the kind of people that loves to stay in drama and cause drama. Sour Apples are the kind of people that stay in a very negative state of mind, no matter what you do to cheer them up. They just stay in negativity. Sour Apples are the kind of people that go out in the society or community and just bring the energy down, because they are not happy. Sour Apples stay in victim mode, because they can't find their own way out of a hard trigger, hard pain, deep depression due to past trauma or abuse and they refuse to seek the proper professional help.

I am sorry to sound cold or heartless here, but I have already suffered through my own share of pain, abuse, depression, trauma, and hard triggers. For years I have lived in constant pain, my own living hell with no one in my corner to help me through. I had to find the will deep down in myself, strap on my combat boots and fight every day for a better life. So, I do understand where these Sour Apples are coming from. Truly I do. But for all those Sour Apples that are not willing to fight every day for your version of a better tomorrow, for a better life, or even try one small step to think something positive, then I have no more room in my life for you.

I have already sacrifice too much of my time and energy spending time with people that turn out to be real Sour Apples. Not one of them ever bother to say thank you. Not one of them ever consider the time, energy, and effort I put into their lives. Not one ever turned around and bothered to asked" How I am doing today?" or "How they can improve my life or feelings?"

Like being positive for others is easy. It is totally not. I wake up every day making sure my own slip is not showing when I go out in the community. I wake up every day with a choice that I will live my life with fun, positivity, and joy. Do you know how much effort it takes to not succumb to depression? Do you know how much effort it takes to not put unnecessary, unwanted, and unfair blame toward others when I feel my own private pain? Do you ever consider how much I struggle to simply get out of bed in the morning? Do you ever consider how much negativity rolls around in my own head each day? But I take time out from myself and try to bring you joy. What sense does that make? I try to give you a seed of positivity. I try to bring sunshine into your dark tunnel. Do you understand how much effort I have to put in myself to think of you or others?

But the difference between me and the other Sour Apples, I make a choice to be happy. I make a choice to think positive. I make a choice to focus on having fun. I make a choice to welcome joy. I make a choice to experience something new. I make a choice to fight every day for a better tomorrow. So, I am making my final choice with all the Sour Apples that is roaming around in this community, I will no longer welcome you in my life. I will never again give you an opportunity to tear me down, because you can't find the will to fight for your own happiness.

I already have protectors in place. Nothing against you, but I am too sensitive, too compassionate, too kind, too new in the community for my own good, to leave myself and my heart unguarded. These protectors are here to protect me from the Sour Apples that are trolling the community. From recent experience, my protectors are very good at spotting the Sour Apples out. But I didn't listen, and I got hurt. Now, I am more willing to listen to them now. So be warned all you Sour Apples, if you have an opportunity to be in my presence you will be vetted. I will no longer take the chance to get hurt or be torn down by you.

I am truly sorry if I sound cold or heartless, but I have been hurt too many times already. I have no more time for that kind of drama or B.S. My focus is learning, self-improving, and welcoming fun back in my life. That is all I have time and energy for.

Real Love

 Inspired by Mary J. Blige song

I heard this song by a different artist today and it hit my soul hard. This was singing the truth that was locked away in my heart because of the abuse, the betrayal, and the pain I have suffered. I gave a man all of me for 16 years, thinking it was love. I gave him my all, that I lost sight of me.  Granted, in the beginning, it was so beautiful that I never imagined that the years after I would roam this earth heartbroken and with many walls up around me.  For years after, I had a hard time with trusting anyone. I even took up a new persona, to hide my pain.  Now I am in TX trying to find my footing again. 

To be honest, I didn’t know I was secretly yearning for Real Love. Someone that would find my key to my cage and set me completely free.  I didn’t know I was secretly looking for that.  Yes, I had a very good friend from WV that came down to GA and rescued me. Who allowed me the allotted time to nurse my injured wings and heart. Now I have a human pet in TX, that I can test and explore things with.  But out of the blue a man found me.  A Master in fact, that commanded my attention from the very start.  Took my breath away. And gently demanded all my truth and pain out of me. And he is currently showing me the possibilities of what Real Love should truly feel like. Real Love is inspiring. Real Love is renewal. Real Love is a release of all the ugly of the past. Real Love demands to be true to oneself. Real Love requires no modesty in the person you want to be and the kind of person I truly deserve in my life. 

Real Love isn’t abusive. It isn’t lies. It isn’t a term that requires one or the other in the relationship to feel trapped in themselves or in their own world. Real Love is having the respect in yourself to truly love yourself completely. Once you love yourself completely, the right person will come along and cherish that gift. Until that right person appears in my life, I will work on finding Real Love within myself, so I have plenty to give to that special one that is truly meant for me.

For those that have been hurt and think this is the end for your life or world, remember this.  Real Love is real, but you first have to find it within yourself, before the Real Love you truly deserve finds you. Once you have true love for yourself, the right person will come along and cherish you like a rare jewel, because that is what you are. A rare jewel, that should be cherished for all your days. Teach yourself what Real Love is supposed to feel like for you, and once it radiates in your very being, it will slowly manifest all around you. It will be like a bright beacon for Real Love to find you. 

In the meantime, take your time and enjoy your life's journey. After all, it is your life, and no one else. Think of your life as a book you are writing. What kind of book, is it? Is it sad and full of tragedies? Is it full of drama, but have a powerful message to share with others? Is it full of pages of all the challenges you have faced and overcome with many adventures you took in your life? What kind of story would you like to leave behind for the next generation? Focus on that, and by the end of the book, when you take the time to re-read it for yourself, that's when you realize the Real Love that you deserved was within those pages the whole time. So take your time and enjoy the journey.

Living In Constant Pain

I am living in constant pain. Not the physical pain, which can leave bruising and scarring on the outer shell of a person in time, caused by a destructive hand. But the pain that lingers deep in a person’s mind, body, and soul. The type of pain that people flee from by drowning themselves in alcohol, losing control when partying or by misusing all variations of drugs.

Most times, this pain can influence a person to take their own life, to completely escape the agony of living or take another person's life. This pain is so powerful, that I even consider, at one time or another, in taking my own life. This pain is like a persistent virus or an incurable disease that can consume a person’s well-being if it is left unchecked by professional, qualified, or spiritual individuals.

Pain can be either a lethal adversary when it is not restricted or an effective companion in motivating someone in reaching their goals. Pain is most fatal in hypersensitive and isolated people, who have no one to share it with or have no safe outlet to contain it. Pain is severely rooted into my consciousness that I am haunted by it every day as an adult, which keeps me doubting the possibilities of achieving true happiness in my life.

Does the word “happiness” really exist in this world? Or, is it a phony myth or a cruel, played out fairy tale told to children repeatedly to keep them under some type of mind control as they mature, just like in the movie, “Matrix?”

I don’t know the answer to these questions, but I secretly pray that happiness is as real a concept as getting married or graduating from college. Just going through life in pain with false promises of becoming a happy and productive person, is like a prolonged death sentence to a wrongly imprisoned inmate: Inhuman.

My eternal pain stems from the torment of my childhood memories, as well as, feeling the suffering of others. It pierces deep into my most susceptible heart. I can remember the stinging sound of my father’s belt repeatedly hitting an innocent child, for a crime she never committed. I can remember the sounds of a traumatized voice softly echoing off the bedroom walls, coming from a sleeping child, who’d been hit more than once that day.

I can remember every put-me-downs uttered by my father, since kindergarten to the faithful day, when I joined the military. “You’re fat. You’re lazy. You’re stupid. You’re not pretty.” And this is his most famous line toward labeling his daughter. “You will never amount to anything, except being barefooted and pregnant with no job and no future.” How can a “loving” father be that cruel and opinionated when it comes to labeling his own daughter? I do not know the answer, either.

I also can remember my first homework assignment, which was drilled into me by my very stern father. Due to my father’s meaningless drills, I can still tell people, “Who was Manuel and why he wanted to be an engineer.” Does anyone remember their first homework assignment? I bet you can’t, because that wouldn’t be normal. My father was not the only thing torturing myself image, having a few or no friends, getting teased and harassed by my fellow classmates also contributed to my constant pain in life.

Besides these memories causing so much mental damage to my self-worth, a single tear or a gut-wrenching sob from others will cut deep into my already weakened heart like a hot, crusty blade shearing flesh.

My pain is constant, but I am making some efforts in reducing the sting of it.

                        In Summary

Abuse and painful memories don't just last for a moment. It can stay in a person's mind, body, and soul, throughout the duration of a person's life. So, take care on how you interact with others. Because one good intent or thoughtless act, could cause harm to another's development and/or self-image.

                    Food For Thought

• Physical Abuse and its effects can be easily visible on a person, but how can you detect if a person has been abused if there are no physical evidence shown?

• We have so many different cultures and social statuses that make up our environment, but what kind of environment promotes healthy and positive development growth?

• If a child knows that there is something not right with their environment, is it the child's responsibility (no matter how young they are), to seek help or continue to trust in the people in their environment.

• You probably grew up with a person that's been abused. Or you probably did a thoughtless act that cause harm to another. How would you know, if that person never spoke up?

A Time I spent with Ricio at Downtown Houston

 Spending precious time with a child is a gift for any parent and I had the opportunity to show my son, Ricio, (age 16 at the time), what downtown Houston, TX had to offer on June 1st, 2023 (Thursday).

My son is visiting me for the summer break for the first time since I moved to Houston, TX and he currently lives with his dad in Albany, GA. It is my son's first time to visit me at my new home state and my first apartment. Not wanting to crowd him and give him a chance to get used to my place, surroundings, and Houston, TX, I encouraged my son to make his wishes known for any place he wanted to see while he was visiting with me. His first request is to see the Downtown Aquarium in Houston, TX.

Do you know I have lived in my current apartment since July 14, 2022, and I haven’t seen much of Houston, TX until my son arrived. I simply have been too busy working and taking care of all the important things I needed to take care of while living in Houston. So going to Downtown Aquarium was a refreshing course of action to my daily grind and a good way to start our summer vacation. I took a month off from my current job (Rescare) to dedicate my time to my son.

Anyone that lives or experienced driving around Houston, knows that to have a relaxing good time, you should put your car keys away and grab a ticket or Metro card for the nearby city bus. For some odd reason, even after moving away from Tulsa, OK, to different states and a lot of time has passed, my son never lost his love for riding on the city bus. So I knew it was going to be a real treat for Ricio to get back on a city bus and take a relaxing ride to Downtown Houston to visit the Aquarium.

If you are going to ride the Houston Metro system for the first time, I highly recommend you schedule a lot of time to reach your destination and study the metro map as much as possible before you begin your trip. Because you will get lost for the first time. You will feel scared and uncertain. But that is the blessing of being on a new adventure. It gets your blood pumping, and your spirit is uplifting for experiencing something new.

Never stop experiencing new things. If you feel like you are stuck in a rut, in a boring routine, or simply feel comfortable in what you do, I highly suggest you pick up a new hobby, a new skill, or a new job, so you can experience something new. New brings fresh energy into your life. That is how I took the time with my son to ride the Houston city bus for the first time and to visit the Downtown Aquarium for the first time. Experiencing something new.

The price for that day was… let me think.. Uhm…

(2) $1.25 for me and my son to get on the city bus for the first time. Bought (2) $20 Metro Card for me and my son, so we didn’t have to keep feed coins in the bus reader.  And I believe we still have money left over on the cards to use later. Total of $42 for 2 all day passes for the Aquarium, even though me and my son didn’t stay long. In total, I spent $84.50 for that day.

I know this seems a bit pricey, but I feel like it was worth it. I didn’t have any stress about fighting and driving through crazy and long traffic in downtown Houston. I didn’t have to fight for parking. I didn’t have to burn gas for the drive. All I had to focus on was my son and making sure he was having a good time.

But the Aquarium itself was a little disappointing for the price I paid for the admission. For 2 adults, Aquarium was a bit on the small side for being one of the attractions for Houston TX. You could literally walk and see everything in about 10 or 20 minutes, if you just focused on the size of the park. For being on the small side, there was plenty to see. So many species of fish and aquarium life that I have never seen or heard of before. This Aquarium even had 2 different kinds of tigers roaming their own individual habitat. They do have a couple of rides for the kids and family to enjoy. They had a place to shop for gifts and souvenirs. I did see signs posted for an indoor restaurant but unfortunately my son had an eye that was bothering him, so he wanted to go home. 

From the moment we walked into the Aquarium and got our tickets, Ricio was having eye problems with one of his eyes. He claimed it kept on stinging him.  I believe what had happened was, before we left the house, I told Ricio to apply sunscreen on his face and any place on his body that would be exposed to the sun. Since Ricio was not used to Houston heat, he was sweating, and I believe some of the sunscreen slid into his eye. No matter how many times he watched his eye out, it kept bothering him. At one point, I bought Ricio an Aquarium looking towel from the gift shop, just so he had something he can use to wipe his eye as often as he needed.

I was so worried about his eye for two reasons: I didn’t have health insurance so I didn’t know how I was going to pay for any bills that might come up, because of this. And I was feeling bad that my son was suffering and no longer having a good time at the Aquarium. Luckily, later on the day when we were home, my son’s eye got better, and he told me that he had a fun day.

Knowing that my son still had a good day warms my heart. 

Here are some images of our journey to the Aquarium.

Looking forward to our next adventure.

A Brief Moment with a Stranger

         

Image taken during my travels.

On Feb 7, 2023 (Tuesday), I was scheduled to complete labs at 8:45 am at Conroe Va Clinic, Houston, TX right near 336 Loop. After the VA techs finished pricking my skin with the needle to draw 2 vials of blood, I had no other plans, so I decided to visit one of the nearest Walmart (near I-45 south), before heading home, to pick up a few groceries.  Mind you, this is one of the Walmarts I have not visited yet, and there are many Walmarts scattered around in Houston, TX. And mind you on this trip, I didn’t plan on meeting anyone either. In fact, I wasn’t dressed to impress.  I was dressed in very casual clothes: a loose fitted tee shirt covered over with an open white jacket, with some very comfortable blue jeans and walking around with some very worn white crocks. So, definitely not dressed to impress.

I really had no plans when I walked into Walmart and I wasn’t in a time crunch, so I decided to just take my time and discover what new or clearance items this Walmart had to offer. While slowly walking around I found myself in the aisle where Walmart sells microwaves, when a stranger made himself known to me. Out of 100 to 1000 customers that visit Walmart on an hourly basis, can you imagine a stranger just lifting his head from his task of looking for a new microwave and giving you a soft friendly smile? 

This male stranger was in one of those motor karts that Walmart has for disabled customers to use while they are shopping. But at this moment I didn’t focus on the motor kart, I focused on the man in the motor kart. To be honest and with some reflection now, I focused on the man’s eyes. They were so blue; it was like looking out into a calming blue ocean or a cloudless blue sky. So beautiful. These blue eyes were surrounded by Caucasian skin weathered by time, age, and experience.  I was so focused on the man’s eyes that I didn’t even have time to register or be curious about his heritage. To be honest, that stuff doesn't really matter to me. What really mattered to me and kept me glued in that moment, was the man’s personality. He took the first bold step in chatting with a perfect stranger. 

Yes, the brief conversation started when he needed help or an opinion while looking for a microwave. I do own a microwave, but when I picked mine, I was basically clueless as to the many types and functions that one microwave could have. And this man wanted a microwave that was big, deep, and had an air fryer function. I was like an air fryer; I was like a clueless deer looking at headlights. But because of his welcoming personality, I decided to stay in his presence and attempt to help him with his choices.   

Mind you, if this man was on the phone and loudly having a rude or mean conversation with someone, I surely would have walked away. Mind you, if this man kept silent and kept looking at microwaves, I probably would have silently walked on by and missed those blue eyes. Mind you, if this man was being rude or cursing the people around him, I probably would have turned and took the next two aisle just to avoid him and never had the opportunity to have a brief conversation. However, he didn’t do any of these bad behaviors that would keep strangers as strangers. 

While helping this old man look for a microwave we briefly talked about the following: family life, military branch, and opinion about Houston, TX. About family life, I learned that he has a daughter. And he learned that I had a child. In his soft manner he asked about my marital status, and I told him I was divorced. He was surprised by that answer, and he looked me over before he asked, why? I briefly told him; I didn’t cause the divorce. Then we moved on and discussed the military branch. He shared with me that he served in the Navy and his daughter was a Marine, and I shared that I was in the Army.  When he asked where I lived, I said Houston and for some reason he didn’t like that. His reaction made me smile. As a response, I told him I am new to the area and still getting used to my surroundings.  Our conversation was coming to an end when one of the Walmart Associates finally came by to assist this nice old man in choosing a new microwave.  As we parted ways, this old man said, “Stay Good.” And with a smile I respond back “there is no harm in looking for a little trouble.” 

And my smile stayed with me while I continued my shopping. My smile stayed with me while I paid for my items. My smile stayed with me while on the drive home. And this same smile stayed with me while sitting at my computer and typing these words. And I believe this smile and this moment will stay with me for a little while longer.

So, I ask you, those that are reading these words, what is your brief moment with a stranger and what reaction or impression did it leave you? Feel free to share.

Saying Goodbye to my Furry Baby

 

On Oct 18th (Monday) 2021 @ 9:15am, I had to say goodbye to my 11 year old furry baby (Ric). I had to put him down, due to health issues. He had a growth on his leg that Vets around my town refused to operate, after the growth came back from a previous operation. The only thing  the vets were willing to  give me for the growth was subscription to steroids, which they say would affect his lungs and have other side effects. But at that time, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. And I still wasn’t ready to say goodbye now, but when I came out with his walking leash, I didn’t get that same excited reaction. And when he attempted to move he was slow and languishing. And he not once wagged his tail.. So even though I wasn’t ready, I believe in my sad heart, that Ric was ready to have his final rest. 

When I finally got him to the vet, he could barely move. And when we were shown into the examination room, there was a soft blanket laying on the floor and he just plop himself there and just started to snore… lol.. With his lawnmower sound snore… giggle. He barely moved when the vets examined him. He barely responded when the vet stick that first needle to keep him calm. And his loud snores got a bit louder as I waited 10 minutes for the vets to come back… And all that time, I just sat next to him, and kept petting him. Kept saying “I’m Sorry” And Kept Saying “I’m going to miss you” 

And when the vet came back and stuck the final needle in his leg.. And 10 minutes later, the loud rumble of his deep snores finally stopped. Then the vet checked his heart for the last time, and pronounced him dead, and my heart broke for the second time in my life.

My furry baby…. Oh no… not my furry baby :((

Even with my grief, I can still hear those soft puppy sounds when I first brought him home. 

He was a brown Pitbull/ Bull Mastiff Mix that I brought home from a Ross Coworker (Joanna) as a pup on my 2010 birthday. He was a small little furry thing, whimpering in the back of my Nissan SUV, so scared to leave his first momma. Even though he was a birthday gift to me, I consider him a dear member of my family. Even in his stubborn ways, he was a real joy to have in my crazy and unstable life.  Even in my inexperience of being a newly furry baby mom, I tried my best to give him a loving and caring home. He is not well travelled but has lived in the following states: Oklahoma, Georgia, and West Virginia.  He was my constant companion and my protector when my life fell apart in Georgia, and he was with me when I left that situation and with a friend’s help traveled to West Virginia, where I went through my first heartbreak situation, a divorce. He was at my side when I worked hard to heal from that situation and get back on my own two feet.

I was hoping that my furry baby would still be with me, when I move to Texas next year. But, I guess God has other plans for me and Ric.  I know I made a lot of mistakes being Ric’s mom, but he has given me so many wondrous memories and experiences that I will remember for the rest of my life and probably use when I open my home again to another furry baby.