Living In Constant Pain

I am living in constant pain. Not the physical pain, which can leave bruising and scarring on the outer shell of a person in time, caused by a destructive hand. But the pain that lingers deep in a person’s mind, body, and soul. The type of pain that people flee from by drowning themselves in alcohol, losing control when partying or by misusing all variations of drugs.

Most times, this pain can influence a person to take their own life, to completely escape the agony of living or take another person's life. This pain is so powerful, that I even consider, at one time or another, in taking my own life. This pain is like a persistent virus or an incurable disease that can consume a person’s well-being if it is left unchecked by professional, qualified, or spiritual individuals.

Pain can be either a lethal adversary when it is not restricted or an effective companion in motivating someone in reaching their goals. Pain is most fatal in hypersensitive and isolated people, who have no one to share it with or have no safe outlet to contain it. Pain is severely rooted into my consciousness that I am haunted by it every day as an adult, which keeps me doubting the possibilities of achieving true happiness in my life.

Does the word “happiness” really exist in this world? Or, is it a phony myth or a cruel, played out fairy tale told to children repeatedly to keep them under some type of mind control as they mature, just like in the movie, “Matrix?”

I don’t know the answer to these questions, but I secretly pray that happiness is as real a concept as getting married or graduating from college. Just going through life in pain with false promises of becoming a happy and productive person, is like a prolonged death sentence to a wrongly imprisoned inmate: Inhuman.

My eternal pain stems from the torment of my childhood memories, as well as, feeling the suffering of others. It pierces deep into my most susceptible heart. I can remember the stinging sound of my father’s belt repeatedly hitting an innocent child, for a crime she never committed. I can remember the sounds of a traumatized voice softly echoing off the bedroom walls, coming from a sleeping child, who’d been hit more than once that day.

I can remember every put-me-downs uttered by my father, since kindergarten to the faithful day, when I joined the military. “You’re fat. You’re lazy. You’re stupid. You’re not pretty.” And this is his most famous line toward labeling his daughter. “You will never amount to anything, except being barefooted and pregnant with no job and no future.” How can a “loving” father be that cruel and opinionated when it comes to labeling his own daughter? I do not know the answer, either.

I also can remember my first homework assignment, which was drilled into me by my very stern father. Due to my father’s meaningless drills, I can still tell people, “Who was Manuel and why he wanted to be an engineer.” Does anyone remember their first homework assignment? I bet you can’t, because that wouldn’t be normal. My father was not the only thing torturing myself image, having a few or no friends, getting teased and harassed by my fellow classmates also contributed to my constant pain in life.

Besides these memories causing so much mental damage to my self-worth, a single tear or a gut-wrenching sob from others will cut deep into my already weakened heart like a hot, crusty blade shearing flesh.

My pain is constant, but I am making some efforts in reducing the sting of it.

                        In Summary

Abuse and painful memories don't just last for a moment. It can stay in a person's mind, body, and soul, throughout the duration of a person's life. So, take care on how you interact with others. Because one good intent or thoughtless act, could cause harm to another's development and/or self-image.

                    Food For Thought

• Physical Abuse and its effects can be easily visible on a person, but how can you detect if a person has been abused if there are no physical evidence shown?

• We have so many different cultures and social statuses that make up our environment, but what kind of environment promotes healthy and positive development growth?

• If a child knows that there is something not right with their environment, is it the child's responsibility (no matter how young they are), to seek help or continue to trust in the people in their environment.

• You probably grew up with a person that's been abused. Or you probably did a thoughtless act that cause harm to another. How would you know, if that person never spoke up?

A Time I spent with Ricio at Downtown Houston

 Spending precious time with a child is a gift for any parent and I had the opportunity to show my son, Ricio, (age 16 at the time), what downtown Houston, TX had to offer on June 1st, 2023 (Thursday).

My son is visiting me for the summer break for the first time since I moved to Houston, TX and he currently lives with his dad in Albany, GA. It is my son's first time to visit me at my new home state and my first apartment. Not wanting to crowd him and give him a chance to get used to my place, surroundings, and Houston, TX, I encouraged my son to make his wishes known for any place he wanted to see while he was visiting with me. His first request is to see the Downtown Aquarium in Houston, TX.

Do you know I have lived in my current apartment since July 14, 2022, and I haven’t seen much of Houston, TX until my son arrived. I simply have been too busy working and taking care of all the important things I needed to take care of while living in Houston. So going to Downtown Aquarium was a refreshing course of action to my daily grind and a good way to start our summer vacation. I took a month off from my current job (Rescare) to dedicate my time to my son.

Anyone that lives or experienced driving around Houston, knows that to have a relaxing good time, you should put your car keys away and grab a ticket or Metro card for the nearby city bus. For some odd reason, even after moving away from Tulsa, OK, to different states and a lot of time has passed, my son never lost his love for riding on the city bus. So I knew it was going to be a real treat for Ricio to get back on a city bus and take a relaxing ride to Downtown Houston to visit the Aquarium.

If you are going to ride the Houston Metro system for the first time, I highly recommend you schedule a lot of time to reach your destination and study the metro map as much as possible before you begin your trip. Because you will get lost for the first time. You will feel scared and uncertain. But that is the blessing of being on a new adventure. It gets your blood pumping, and your spirit is uplifting for experiencing something new.

Never stop experiencing new things. If you feel like you are stuck in a rut, in a boring routine, or simply feel comfortable in what you do, I highly suggest you pick up a new hobby, a new skill, or a new job, so you can experience something new. New brings fresh energy into your life. That is how I took the time with my son to ride the Houston city bus for the first time and to visit the Downtown Aquarium for the first time. Experiencing something new.

The price for that day was… let me think.. Uhm…

(2) $1.25 for me and my son to get on the city bus for the first time. Bought (2) $20 Metro Card for me and my son, so we didn’t have to keep feed coins in the bus reader.  And I believe we still have money left over on the cards to use later. Total of $42 for 2 all day passes for the Aquarium, even though me and my son didn’t stay long. In total, I spent $84.50 for that day.

I know this seems a bit pricey, but I feel like it was worth it. I didn’t have any stress about fighting and driving through crazy and long traffic in downtown Houston. I didn’t have to fight for parking. I didn’t have to burn gas for the drive. All I had to focus on was my son and making sure he was having a good time.

But the Aquarium itself was a little disappointing for the price I paid for the admission. For 2 adults, Aquarium was a bit on the small side for being one of the attractions for Houston TX. You could literally walk and see everything in about 10 or 20 minutes, if you just focused on the size of the park. For being on the small side, there was plenty to see. So many species of fish and aquarium life that I have never seen or heard of before. This Aquarium even had 2 different kinds of tigers roaming their own individual habitat. They do have a couple of rides for the kids and family to enjoy. They had a place to shop for gifts and souvenirs. I did see signs posted for an indoor restaurant but unfortunately my son had an eye that was bothering him, so he wanted to go home. 

From the moment we walked into the Aquarium and got our tickets, Ricio was having eye problems with one of his eyes. He claimed it kept on stinging him.  I believe what had happened was, before we left the house, I told Ricio to apply sunscreen on his face and any place on his body that would be exposed to the sun. Since Ricio was not used to Houston heat, he was sweating, and I believe some of the sunscreen slid into his eye. No matter how many times he watched his eye out, it kept bothering him. At one point, I bought Ricio an Aquarium looking towel from the gift shop, just so he had something he can use to wipe his eye as often as he needed.

I was so worried about his eye for two reasons: I didn’t have health insurance so I didn’t know how I was going to pay for any bills that might come up, because of this. And I was feeling bad that my son was suffering and no longer having a good time at the Aquarium. Luckily, later on the day when we were home, my son’s eye got better, and he told me that he had a fun day.

Knowing that my son still had a good day warms my heart. 

Here are some images of our journey to the Aquarium.

Looking forward to our next adventure.