Living In Constant Pain

I am living in constant pain. Not the physical pain, which can leave bruising and scarring on the outer shell of a person in time, caused by a destructive hand. But the pain that lingers deep in a person’s mind, body, and soul. The type of pain that people flee from by drowning themselves in alcohol, losing control when partying or by misusing all variations of drugs.

Most times, this pain can influence a person to take their own life, to completely escape the agony of living or take another person's life. This pain is so powerful, that I even consider, at one time or another, in taking my own life. This pain is like a persistent virus or an incurable disease that can consume a person’s well-being if it is left unchecked by professional, qualified, or spiritual individuals.

Pain can be either a lethal adversary when it is not restricted or an effective companion in motivating someone in reaching their goals. Pain is most fatal in hypersensitive and isolated people, who have no one to share it with or have no safe outlet to contain it. Pain is severely rooted into my consciousness that I am haunted by it every day as an adult, which keeps me doubting the possibilities of achieving true happiness in my life.

Does the word “happiness” really exist in this world? Or, is it a phony myth or a cruel, played out fairy tale told to children repeatedly to keep them under some type of mind control as they mature, just like in the movie, “Matrix?”

I don’t know the answer to these questions, but I secretly pray that happiness is as real a concept as getting married or graduating from college. Just going through life in pain with false promises of becoming a happy and productive person, is like a prolonged death sentence to a wrongly imprisoned inmate: Inhuman.

My eternal pain stems from the torment of my childhood memories, as well as, feeling the suffering of others. It pierces deep into my most susceptible heart. I can remember the stinging sound of my father’s belt repeatedly hitting an innocent child, for a crime she never committed. I can remember the sounds of a traumatized voice softly echoing off the bedroom walls, coming from a sleeping child, who’d been hit more than once that day.

I can remember every put-me-downs uttered by my father, since kindergarten to the faithful day, when I joined the military. “You’re fat. You’re lazy. You’re stupid. You’re not pretty.” And this is his most famous line toward labeling his daughter. “You will never amount to anything, except being barefooted and pregnant with no job and no future.” How can a “loving” father be that cruel and opinionated when it comes to labeling his own daughter? I do not know the answer, either.

I also can remember my first homework assignment, which was drilled into me by my very stern father. Due to my father’s meaningless drills, I can still tell people, “Who was Manuel and why he wanted to be an engineer.” Does anyone remember their first homework assignment? I bet you can’t, because that wouldn’t be normal. My father was not the only thing torturing myself image, having a few or no friends, getting teased and harassed by my fellow classmates also contributed to my constant pain in life.

Besides these memories causing so much mental damage to my self-worth, a single tear or a gut-wrenching sob from others will cut deep into my already weakened heart like a hot, crusty blade shearing flesh.

My pain is constant, but I am making some efforts in reducing the sting of it.

                        In Summary

Abuse and painful memories don't just last for a moment. It can stay in a person's mind, body, and soul, throughout the duration of a person's life. So, take care on how you interact with others. Because one good intent or thoughtless act, could cause harm to another's development and/or self-image.

                    Food For Thought

• Physical Abuse and its effects can be easily visible on a person, but how can you detect if a person has been abused if there are no physical evidence shown?

• We have so many different cultures and social statuses that make up our environment, but what kind of environment promotes healthy and positive development growth?

• If a child knows that there is something not right with their environment, is it the child's responsibility (no matter how young they are), to seek help or continue to trust in the people in their environment.

• You probably grew up with a person that's been abused. Or you probably did a thoughtless act that cause harm to another. How would you know, if that person never spoke up?